Life through a different person's eyes.

I’m constantly getting asked by people “What’s wrong?” or “How’s your health? Getting any better?” and I’m quite honestly sick of having to repeat myself over and over again, so I found that this way I can explain literally everything that’s going on in my life, as regard to medical issues, instead of having to repeat myself over and over.

So, Basically – Earlier this year, which I have mentioned before in a previous entry, during the month of February, I went in for surgery on my heart, as a muscle in it had begun to tear at the outer layers of it, causing it to rip whenever I was going through a lot of stress or if I was having an anxiety/panic attack.

Some of you should already know that I’ve suffered severe anxiety attacks for the most part of 10 – 15 years and I have to be on constant medication, which changes regularly as to make sure it keeps the effects they’re supposed to produce; However, sometimes, my medication would thin down to the point it needs to change, and within those periods is when I have my really bad fits, anxiety attacks, panic attacks and most importantly – blackouts.

But the thing is, after years and years of all this strain and stress being put upon my heart, it eventually tore open, a hole formed, where blood began leaking out, which caused me to have even more panic attacks and pass out a lot more frequently, as now I was suffering blood loss, and the harder the muscles strained from the rapid beating of the heart, the more blood leaked out.

This went undiscovered for a good 2 – 3 years, until one day I had a sequence of blackouts all throughout an entire day.

I was transported to hospital, where they examined my body and compared notes with my GP until they eventually did a scan on my heart, finding out that there was in fact a tear, which was along one of the muscles which pumps out blood to the veins, where each time it pumped, if it was hard enough, it would squirt out blood, which would cause me to suddenly black out.

About a month passed of just constant waiting, trying to keep myself docile, remaining in bed more than doing anything else, if not playing video games to take my mind off of any stressful issues.

Then, February came, I went into hospital and had surgery performed on my heart where doctors attempted to seal up the tear and stop any further blood from leaking out, where afterwards I stayed in for a further 3 days until I was allowed to go home.

But, the thing is – Nobody knew that the operation would only just be a temporary band-aid solution to my hearts problems, as in the months after, further stress flowed through my body, I experienced more and more anxiety attacks, some really strong ones along the way, until eventually, in August, I suddenly blacked out once again, at first I didn’t take any consideration into my heart being split open again, as you would have thought it’d have been entirely sealed up.

But then it happened two more times, which is when I went to visit my GP, explaining when I blacked out, what caused it and that I was feeling ever so drained.

He began to get worried and transferred me over to the hospital, where they did a CT Scan, which cost me a godly amount of money, where they discovered various problems in my body, but their main concern what – Yep, you’ve guessed it – The heart had re-opened, just this time the tear has widened and more blood was being forced out, as it built up behind the seal, ready to burst out as soon as that seal, popped, I guess.

They explained to me that they would have to do even further surgery on me and that they would require the use of a machine to pinpoint the exact location where this strain is coming from so that they can seal it up from before that, making sure that there would be no further strain… BUT…

The Problem is, I had lost too much blood from the experience for them to even attempt surgery, as I wouldn’t have enough blood to be pumped through my body if they operated on my heart once again, so from the beginning of September, both the NHS and I were on the lookout for anyone who had records of sharing the same blood type as me, and was a donor.

I am AB Rh-, which is rather uncommon in the United Kingdom, as the nearest donor happened to be in Scotland, which took roughly 2 – 3 weeks to track down.

So, the NHS had the blood that had already been donated from the North of the UK, down to the South East, where they have kept it since.

I am to be undergoing the blood transfusion as soon as they have set a schedule for me, where they’re trying to fit me in within the next week or so, where I will most likely either be stuck in hospital, under observation for a good fortnight, or sent home, forced not to work or do anything other than rest, visiting my GP daily.

I’m personally hoping that I get to be sent home, as I can’t stand hospitals, as they smell of nothing but death.

However, this blood transfusion I am to have will make it possible for me to have further surgery on my heart, where I’ll either live through it and have no further problems, live with it and have even more problems or die through it and have no problems at all.

Obviously, I’d take doors number 1 and 3 over door number 2.

My medication has been cut down half until I have my blood transfusion, for what reason I have no idea, as it’s causing me to get stressed out and panic even more, but I guess I can’t undergo surgery through the current dosage of medication, when they inject me with whatever.

But yeah, that’s pretty much the gist of it – Yet another year where I’ve had to suffer through even more shit…

And because that more and more medical issues are popping up now, which is pretty much when various doctors said I would go through many health issues through my 20s till my death, which would be within my late 20s, early 30s, or if serious, my early 20s…

Which brings me to my ever constant difficulty in going through the day without doing nothing, as I feel that I need to use up as much time and as much space in my mind as possible, as I’m starting to believe all those results doctors handed out to me about me not living any longer than a human that lived in the early 1800s.

So, hopefully this explains to everyone my continuous cycle of stress and carelessness of certain subjects and topics that are brought up in conversations, also with my constant busy attitude.

That’s Pretty much the gist of what’s going on right now with my heart…

As for other medical issues, such as my health as a whole, my ribs, my eyes, etc… I just gave up caring on.

However, I would like to ask something of everyone – Please, please do not continue bringing up this issue to my face, as it just drags me down and with me having to be in a conversation about my health, I am limited to the amount of things I can do… I would just like for people to understand what I am going through and be more considerate, what they read and understand here, is all anyone will get, other than those who are important in my life, such as my fiancé or my two sisters.

Anyway, that’s all I feel that I can explain.

I hope that now people will stop calling me up or emailing me to see how I am… Don’t get me wrong, I love how people are concerned, but please try to be a little more considerate – As I really dislike having to repeat myself or go in-depth with my medical issues with just a single individual.

Kind Regards, Jamie.

So, I noticed I haven’t really updated my blog in a really long time, and people who regularly check to see if anything new has been posted have been left with poor results… Which is why I’m going to give you as much detail into what’s happened with me over the period where no blog entries have been posted, I don’t know if this will be long or short, but nevertheless…

During most of 2010 I was experiencing heart troubles, where I would occasionally blackout or pass out randomly, from where my heart would just suddenly stop responding, throughout the duration of the year I had been going through severe anxiety attacks and was depressed most of the time, both my fiancé and I weren’t sure what to make of the blackouts, so we spent most of our time in the hospital waiting room most of the time, going in daily for checking up on the situation.

Eventually the doctors came up with a conclusion which would provide to seem really fatal — They suggested, which didn’t sound very suggesting, more like demanded, that I were to go into theatre and have surgery done to my heart, due to a ligament or something being torn, which was releasing spores of blood out of my heart every time the muscle started to beat faster or harder than usual, which caused me to blackout as my body treated it as a threat and wanted me to go into a neutral state, or as they put it So that you wouldn’t have a chain reaction of panic attacks which would most likely of led to something devastating.

Although health care in the UK is free, we had to pay for the equipment that would be used, which was a problem for us as we didn’t have a spare couple of thousand laying around, that wasn’t being used to pay for rent, bills and food. — Throughout the end months of 2010, we were working hard to get enough money for the surgery as well as making sure we could stabilise the bills we had to pay off to the point we could take out £2,000 out of the block without any future problems.

Once we were able to pay for the theatre and it’s equipment, the hospital had opened up a spot for me to go into surgery in February of 2011. — At first, we thought that was a pretty long way away, since 2 months to wait for a fatal surgery seemed pretty long.

However, within those months, we decided we could continue to stabilise our income, so that we could take out money in the future if needed, which led to us making an emergency fund, where we would take out £1,000 a month a put it into a bank account which isn’t being used for anything. — So that if we ever needed to pay for any future hospital related things, or if we needed to pay repairs for a vehicle we own, we would have the money to do so, without worrying about our income going towards bills being reduced.

Throughout the Christmas period and New Year, we were having quite a nice and relaxing time, although I did wreck my bike in January, as I was heading to work and my partner quit her job so that she could get her life back on track and start looking for a job that more suited her, that wouldn’t irritate or annoy her constantly, so that she would come home with a face of thunder and a boiling rage ready to burst out.

I suggested that she should come and be my work partner as well as my life partner, and she accepted my offer with no hesitation, so during the wait period for my surgery, we set out to get her a job with me.

At the time, I was only working in a small computer repair shop, so there really wasn’t many staff, so when I told my boss that she would like to come in and learn a bit about repairing, building and breaking down components in computer hardware, he was fine with it, saying that if she learned the ropes good enough, that she could get a job there herself.

But the only thing is, Tari wasn’t willing to work at times when I wasn’t, so we worked out a deal for her, she could be an assistant and we gave her computer parts we had obtained which don’t need to be repaired, for her to fix, then eventually we got her to build a computer from using broken or unused parts, and she did a really good job at it, she went in every day fixing up a new part, progress was slow, but she got the hang of it, so my boss gave her a job with me in repairing computers brought to us by locals.

We had such fun working together, but then I had to take leave from it as February came close, as I wouldn’t know how long I would be out of action, so Tari took leave as well and stayed every waking moment by my side, helping me relax and have a positive attitude towards the operation.

After several anxious weeks, I finally got the phone call to come in to the hospital, where I would remain for several days.

On arrival to the hospital, after a silent and long drive down, the nurses that would be working on me took me into theatre almost immediately, they ran me through the procedures and explained what the outcome would be, as they set up a big machine with a dozen arms to operate on me with.

As soon as I saw the machine they had brought in to do the surgery, I got anxious and felt like that thing would just crush my body by human or calculation error, but they ran me through the download for the machine so that I would feel less anxious about it.

About an hour after arriving, I was all set up and ready to go under, I went unconscious, where I woke up about 3 hours after the operation had finished, the total procedure only lasted 45 minutes to an hour.

I was in a nice little private room that my partner rented for me, as she knew how I would hate sharing a ward filled with multiple people, it makes me panic and ends up leading me to having an anxiety attack where I would begin to break down in tears… So finding myself in a room with just myself and Tari in it was so relaxing and I felt happy, I felt healthy and I just couldn’t help but hug Tari all the time I was there, she was allowed to stay as it was a private room, so she was able to sleep on the couch in the room with me, so that I wouldn’t feel lonely or get anxious about someone coming into my room.

A few days later, I couldn’t stand being in the hospital any more, I was hungry and exhausted as I wouldn’t eat anything the hospital gave me, and the smell of the halls drove me crazy as to me it smelt like death, so we checked out, but was told that I would have to rest, not stay awake all nighters and play games or listen to music.

But… They should know better, as soon as I got home I went to bed, cuddled up next to my most helpful and awesome partner, where we embraced and melted into each other.

The following morning, I woke up to my partner not being in my bed, she was downstairs in the kitchen trying to make breakfast, which turned out to be the most delicious crumpets I had ever tasted in my life, whether it was because she made them or the fact I hadn’t eaten anything for a few days, I still loved it, and I loved her even more for being so thoughtful.

Though, when I was supposed to be resting and building up energy, I decided I would relax and play around on my computer, where I ended up playing Rappelz, an MMORPG that I had been playing for many years, and SecondLife, a virtual reality that I had been going to even longer.

About a week after I came home, the doctors called me in, for a check up and to take some blood tests and urine samples, just to see if my body was coping well with the changes made from the operation. — Things looked good and I was happy, although I still suffered from anxiety attacks, now they wouldn’t make me drop onto the floor and pass out, I could finally get to my pills and take them so that the attack died down.

And because of the pills, the attacks are far less frequent than they were before, which made both myself and my partner very happy, as we could then get back to sorting out our lives and begin working again, although I was still on leave for another two weeks after my operation, I decided I start working on some projects in SecondLife, to try sell off and make some money, but in the end I just messed around with scripts and built random things which I never even thought to sell, so when I was able to get back to work, my partner and I worked double time, but it was fine with us, as we were both sitting next to each other the whole time, so we wouldn’t miss one another.

I loved it, and so did she, we were both happy and working with things we both enjoyed working with.

Although it doesn’t seem like much, that’s how full my time was when I wasn’t on the computer playing games and listening to music, and now I can do more things without worrying about getting stressed out as it wouldn’t cause any strain to my heart like before, so now my life is much more exciting than it was previously.

And remember that one accident I mentioned, which totalled my bike? I ended up buying a new one with our emergency fund, although my partner wasn’t really happy that I did, but she did know I had wanted a new bike for a while, and the one I got was just so delicious I had to get it.

Bellow is a picture of the bike I own.

Although, the bike in that picture is not actually mine, but the same nevertheless.

I’ll get around to taking a photo of my own eventually.

Anyway, that pretty much wraps it up, I hope to write about more interesting things in the future, as I have tons of time to spare these days, when I am not working, that is!

Thanks for reading and taking your time to do so.

Ave Veri.

Well, as this is my first entry, I thought that I may as well start off by introducing myself and explaining what’s happened to me over the years.

My name is Jamie, I am female, 22 years old and living in the United Kingdom with my life partner where we both work in computer engineering and study art.

For roughly 14 years, both myself and my partner have been together as we had both known each other our entire lives and found a connection between us no more than at the age of eight years old, it was such a special moment when we discovered we both had feelings for each other, greater than just best friends or companions, however we had never been in contact with anyone but ourselves, aside from whenever we were asked to do something in school.

Primary School was great, both myself and Tari were always together, our teachers became quick to realise how well we worked together and how well we do on individual things, just as long as we were sitting next to each other and had our own space, but they didn’t realise that there was anything going on, nobody did, not even us.

It was when we were walking home one day, where it was warm and soft breezes were blowing over us, it was as if it were something out of a romance film or novel, we ended up slowing down, holding each others hands, until we eventually came to a stop, where we both had an irresistible urge to connect with one an other, we turned towards each other, knowing exactly how we felt about each other, understanding that we weren’t just friends, but we were meant to be life partners, soul mates.

While standing there, gazing into each others eyes, we closed in on each other, eventually locking our lips together which made the entire world shake around us, the kiss we both shared was so powerful we could of sworn we felt an earthquake or volcano beneath our feet, yet after pulling back from each other, we couldn’t help but cuddle into each other, just to feel safe and feel the warmth off one an other.

We stayed there for a good long while, forgetting everything else and ignoring the world around us, just holding each other and saying what we felt when we kissed.

Eventually, we noticed the time and that we were late getting home, we both either stayed round at hers or mine back then, depending on what our parents were doing, very rarely were we ever on our own… However on this day we went to hers, where when we got home and apologised for being late, saying that we got caught up in class, asked to help the teacher put things away, we went straight to the bedroom, closed the door and jumped into bed, cuddling and kissing each other, whilst turning on the television so that her parents couldn’t hear us giggling or saying how much we loved each other, as we weren’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing at the time.

We spent many hours just connecting with each other, talking about how much we liked the other, while kissing and cuddling on her bed, it was the best feeling that we had both ever felt in our lives, eventually we both fell asleep, still wearing our clothes from school, and our hair both messed up.

I’m pretty sure that her parents must’ve come in at some point and saw us asleep in each others arms as the television was switched off and we had a blanket over us both, when we woke up we noticed that we had still been wearing the same clothes that we wore all through the day before, so we grabbed some clean clothes and both headed off to the bathroom together, where we took off all our clothes and had a bath together, playing around and giggling as we splashed each other with water and put bubble-bath all over ourselves, just generally mucking around, after we had our bath together we got out and dried each other, giggling as we felt down each others bodies with a towel.

After that bath, all we did from then was spend each passing moment together, no matter what it was, we did everything together until we finished primary school and moved onto secondary… Which is where a lot of bad shit happened, which caused both of us, not only to be scared of everyone, but afraid that something might happen to us at any given moment.

Unlike primary school, we weren’t always in the same classes, however we were in most, although when we weren’t in the same class together, we usually made up excuses to head to the medical room, so that we could see each other and be near each other, as we felt so lonely and scared when we weren’t together, and the staff in the medical room caught on to this, but didn’t seem to mind as they knew us both personally, as I myself had visited the medical centre many times, often in tears or feeling really ill whenever I was not with Tari, whether that being because she had to stick with her class for a field trip or if she stayed at home for whatever reason.

However, as with most others, they weren’t aware that we were anything more than just friends until they, and a few others that were around us witnessed us kiss each other, saying how much we missed each other, even though we were apart for maybe no more than 15 minutes.

Rumors quickly started spreading around the school and it brought very much unwanted attention to our doorstep, whether it being other girls in school picking on us and making out how disgusting we were, or whether it being adults that worked at the school looking down on us and treating us poorly in classes, forcing us to have bad results at any little sign of mischief going on.

But we didn’t think much of it until things really began to get bad.

One day, when we were in the same class, this one girl sat between us, asking if she could get some help with some math problems she was having, while the teacher was out, where at the time, I was the one who was good at math and ended up helping her throughout the duration of the class, ultimately giving her good results with the teacher, however at the end of the class, when everyone left the room, including Tari, to put their things away in the lockers just outside.

I was left alone in the room with the girl, helping her understand certain things when it came to algebra, but she had other things planned, she told me to stop helping her, which I did, where she then threw my books off the desk and kissed my lips, before pulling back and spitting in my face, pulling my blazer off, ripping my top with her nails, eventually pulling it off me while I was trying to get away from her, yet ending up being hit around and verbally abused by the girl, getting to the point where she had kicked me to the floor and removed my bra, which she threw outside of one of the open windows, landing on a tree 2 floors down.

Eventually the noise that was being made drew attention of everyone that was outside, where Tari was the first to rush in and see what was unfolding, where she began to take control of the situation and pushed the girl to the wall, threatening her and reassuring her that if she ever saw her near me again she would kill her.

However, while that was unfolding, I was trying to pick up the pieces of clothing that were taken off of me, covering my breasts with my arms holding the clothes I have gathered, tears streaming out of my eyes as the rest of the class pointed and laughed, I left all my books and accessories, holding my clothes close to my chest as I ran out crying, heading towards the medical centre.

Meanwhile, in the class room, Tari gathered up my belongings and walked out as the class teacher came in to see what all the fuss was about, seeing bits of ripped clothing and pens all over the floor.

A few minutes after I arrived at the medical centre and sat down, demanding for them to call my parents, Tari walked in behind me, placing my books on a chair beside me as she sat near me, hugging me and giving me her blazer to put around my bare back.

Eventually after explaining to both Tari and the medical staff in what happened, both of our parents came to pick us up and have a go at the school board, however not knowing of the specific rumors that were going around, taking us home afterwards, before going to the shops to pick up some new clothes to wear for school.

However, that was nothing compared to what happened no more than 2 weeks later, after we had settled back down and gotten back to how things were, not being paranoid about that one girl showing her face again.

It was during art class that I had asked if I could go to collect my glasses from my locker as I forgot to grab them after the P.E session we just finished, stating that I couldn’t see a single thing that was written down in front of me, which I did, I walked along the long corridors for a few minutes until I got to my locker and put on my glasses, as I headed back, I noticed another person was walking behind me, saying crude remarks about my rear features, as all girls in our school were forced to wear skirts, where he must of been bending down to look up mine, he didn’t look like a student, but he was, he was a sixth former, making him roughly 3 – 4 years older than me, but it wasn’t the crude remarks that ruined the entire school for me, but it was when he grabbed me as we walked past a rest toom, dragging me into it with him, closing the door firmly as he forced me into a toilet cubical, pulling my skirt off of me along with my underwear, pushing his entire strength onto me, his hips against mine, feeling a buldge in his pants against my bare skin, pulsing as he leaned in closer, my legs in the air as he pinned me onto the toilet.

Struggling to get free, I was trying to kick him and get my arms free so that I could claw his face, yet he was too overpowering and kept me in the position he wanted, though letting one of my arms go as she unzipped his pants, revealing his penis, which is where I began punching him and trying to push him off of me with my free hand, eventually beginning to scream as loud as I could, which caught the attention of both Tari who was walking down the hall to come see where I was and the teacher of a near by class.

As I continued screaming, trying to push him off of me, his penis was dripping wet and no more than a few inches away from my womanhood, where I was a few seconds away from loosing both my energy and virginity, however, after my screaming, Tari and the teacher barged in, hearing my crying and struggling in one of the cubicals where the teacher had pulled the door open, breaking the lock, to find what was happening, with Tari behind him, thinking that I was being raped, immediately attacking the guy along with the teacher pulling him off and throwing him against the wall, telling Tari to stop, which she did and rushed over to me, where I was crying my eyes out and shaking more than a blender, grabbed my underwear and skirt off of the floor and pulled them both over my legs and pulling them up to my waist so that I was wearing them again, as I was too in shock to do anything.

After more teachers and students were drawn to the noise, another teacher came in and saw the boy that had tried to rape me, asking what had happened and when realising what actually had happened, he threw a fit and kept hitting him against the wall, before calling the police and his parents, while the other teacher called our parents and told us to go to the medical room, yet I was unable to move, paralyzed in fear, Tari had to lift me up and carry me, after coming out of the toilets, many people offered to help her take me to the medical room, thinking that I had been stabbed or badly injured, yet Tari refused all offers and took me on her own.

When the police arrived, we were both questioned into what had happened, yet neither of us answered, as Tari wasn’t sure what to think, and ignored everything else, her attention focused on just me and trying to calm me down, and I just didn’t feel like talking at all, unable to see past my tears, not even aware that it was a police officer talking to us.

Shortly after, our parents arrived and blew into a burning rage when they discovered what had happened, threatening to take the boy and the teacher responsible for him to court, along with taking us both out of school, setting up a home education system with ‘Education Otherwise’.

Over the duration of the next few months, I never even spoke a word until I saw Tari crying, telling her not to cry and that I’m here for her, gently cuddling her.

Not much happened after that as we ignored doing our home education and decided to educate ourselves in computers and artwork, which ended up turning out good for us in the end… However, it was only a matter of time until our parents caught on to what we had been feeling for each other.

When they confronted us, we had no choice but to come clean as we had no other choice… We explained that we had been like this ever since primary school… That we had intimate feelings for one an other…

Both of our parents didn’t take the news so good, but Tari’s took it the worse as they were Catholic and saw same sex relations as both digusting and a sin, eventually kicking her out after they could never sit down and talk, all they would do is argue, which is when she came to my door, saying that she had been kicked out, asking if she could live with me, and of course, I let her, bringing her into my home and setting up my bedroom for the both of us, my parents unaware of her being here as they were out.

When they came home they saw that I was making two sets of hot chocolate, which is when they knew I wasn’t alone and asking why she was here, which is when I explained to them that she had been kicked out and if they didn’t like it, they would have to kick me out too, as I’m not being without her, despite their views or wishes for me.

My parents and I never really saw eye-to-eye after the arguments we had about my sexuality, yet they accepted my generosity in letting the one I love stay with me when she had no where else to go.

From then on out, we communicated with nobody but people over the internet, where we eventually found a few people from primary school we used to know, that also had turned out to be lesbians, we ended up becoming really good friends with each other and met each other on numerous occasions, whether it being birthdays or just when we were all bored and wanted to have a girls night out.

After a while, we ended up staying away from home as much as we could, mostly being with our friends and staying round at theres most of the time, until we were both 17, when we moved out and got an apartment of our own, which lasted a few years until we had no money left, where I had been removed from my job for being physically unfit for it, and Tari being unable to get into any job at all, which is when we eventually had to move back home, a few years after leaving, where my parents were welcoming and warm to the idea of letting us stay with them again, as they were struggling to get things done, and thought the extra pair of hands again would be of great help, which we seemed fair, as we would have a roof over our heads again…

Since then, we have remained living at my parents house, yet are expecting to move at some point during this year or the next, if we are able to generate enough income for us to find a nice little apartment and live in together.

Many other things had happened during the time we spent together, some things good, some things bad, and for a good while I was spending my time in hospitals and mental institutes, but not once had that ever stopped myself or Tari from being together.

Things have gotten better over the years, even though I am on medication and Tari is struggling to get her art studdies finished, but other than that, things are definitelly in a good spot, we spend every waking moment together and being happy to be together.

The past 14 years have been both tough and a trial, but it has never once broken our bond or loosened our connection between each other.

One day, we will have the nice little apartment we’ve wanted, whether that being here, or abroad, and we’ll continue spending our lives together, building our intimacy up and up, along with being happy, all the way through to old age.
__

Additional Information

I’m sorry for the wall of text above, but I just couldn’t find the words to shorten it all down to a few paragraphs.

However, that’s really all there is to tell, other than medical and emotional issues I am experiencing even to this day.

If you really want to get to know me, the best thing to do is to talk to me in person, however don’t expect me to just explain everything to someone at the drop of a hat, to someone who I’ve only just met and barely even know.

On that note – I would like to add neither myself or my partner have been with a male, and neither of us intend on being with one, ever, and we try to keep communication with males at an uttermost minimum.

Honestly, from what we have seen, not just from what I experienced, but from what our friends had been through, we believe that a majority of males are both disgusting and definitely not worth anyone’s time.

And as for anyone that comes up to me, or my partner, and says “Maybe I can convince you not all guys are like that” are just full of it and can get lost, as more often than not, they turn out just to be the same.

That’s all!

- Jamie